Winning The Lottery: softly, softly

Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi Berra: "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it."

I've been doing some research on psychics and their luck at winning the lottery. It would appear that such luck is conspicuous by its absence. Why has a psychic never won the lottery? Sceptics will tell you it's because there is no such thing as a psychic.

Well, have they ever got it wrong. And to all you budding psychics out there who are just burning with desire to shut the sceptics up once and for all by winning the lottery and then bragging about it, take the advice of Auntie Zam :

If you're making a living as a psychic, when you win that jackpot (by the questionable use of your gift or not, but let's leave ethics out of this for now), for heaven's sake, retire from the business and get as far away from your telephone as your newly-minted money can take you!

Leave those losers behind! You know, the poor sods who are relying solely on that winning ticket to turn their lives around. The ones who think that winning the lottery is the only answer to their problems: it will make them stop gambling, cure their drug addiction, stiffen the right appendages, improve their golf score (actually, money will undoubtedly improve their score by ruining everyone else's). The ones who think that money is real, real, really the answer!

Alas, money by its very nature always attracts problems, it can't help itself. Money is a voracious parasitic life-form, it will consume you, and it will excrete problems. Little rabbit-pellets of problems, all over the living-room rug of your life.

There are some lotteries you really don't want to win, as Shirley Jackson once pointed out. Winning is not all it's cracked up to be. Be wary of suddenly becoming the centre of attention...

Then there's the other Shirley and her plight in "What a Way to Go" (1964). Chasing money can lead to a premature end... and as we all know, you can't take it with you.

And, my dear budding psychic, if you know what's good for you, never start your career by handing out lotto combinations, not even to your family. Because when you finally win, as you will, being psychic and all, I guarantee you that those dear loved ones will be furious; they'll right away think that you kept the winning numbers for yourself. Does that sound cynical? Oops, stepped on a rabbit-turd....

It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money you have to be flexible. ~ Eugene Ormandy